It’s Christmas Day, the markets are closed, and you’re doing your best to avoid your sister’s “I have a new boyfriend” conversation. But don’t worry, I’ve got you covered with some wild news from the one place that never sleeps: cryptoland. Apparently, Santa isn’t the only one with a massive haul this year. North Korea just one-upped the big guy, swiping $1.3 billion in digital loot… more than half of the $2.2 billion in cryptocurrencies stolen in 2024.

Yeah, you read that right. North Korea has been busy, and not in a "let's-make-a-Christmas-card" kind of way. According to a report from Chainalysis, the Hermit Kingdom's hacker squads have doubled last year’s crypto heist figures. And no, these aren’t your garden-variety scammers sliding into DMs with “Want to turn $100 into $10,000?” pitches (we see you, Chad). Well these guys are on another level.We’re talking about the infamous Lazarus Group and their TraderTraitor sidekicks, pulling off cyber stunts straight out of a heist movie.

Gone are the days of scammers trying to guess your Coinbase password. North Korean hackers are stealing crypto like it’s an olympic sport, leveraging everything from fake LinkedIn recruiter profiles to malware-laced Python scripts. One of their greatest hits was the May 2024 hack of Japanese crypto exchange DMM Bitcoin. Here’s how it went down: the hackers worked their magic on an employee at Ginco, a crypto wallet software company. Using social engineering (basically weaponized charm mixed with tech wizardry), they got their mark to download a booby-trapped script. Then they played the long game, waiting until May to strike. With stolen session cookies in hand, they impersonated the employee, slid into DMM Bitcoin’s unencrypted communications, and finessed a legitimate transaction request. The winnings you ask? A mind blowing 4,502.9 bitcoins vanished… worth $308 million at the time.

DMM Bitcoin couldn’t recover. The exchange shut down this month, but not before watching its funds get laundered through Bitcoin mixers and shady crypto marketplaces tied to some very sketchy conglomerates. The stakes are bigger than just crypto nerds crying over lost wallets. North Korea isn’t hoarding this digital gold to fund its next tech startup. According to the U.S. government, stolen crypto is fueling Pyongyang’s weapons programs, dodging international sanctions like a pro. Oh, and in case you thought it was all overhyped, this year’s crypto theft rose by 21% compared to 2023.

Chainalysis points out that most of these thefts come down to one thing: compromised private keys. If you’re new to crypto (congrats), think of these as the master passwords to massive piles of crypto. Once those are hacked, it’s game over. And centralized exchanges, which handle billions in user funds, are prime targets. With heists like these, the crypto industry faces a massive trust issue. The U.S. government is stepping up its game, offering a $5 million reward for intel on North Korea’s schemes. But let’s be honest, unless crypto platforms get serious about cybersecurity, we’ll be seeing more headlines about Lazarus adding to its portfolio.

So, while you’re unwrapping socks from your grandma today, just know that somewhere out there, North Korean hackers are probably unwrapping their latest batch of stolen bitcoin (hopefully not from your wallet).

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Oh, and Merry Christmas ya filthy animal!

Stock.News does not have positions in companies mentioned.