Well, folks, it's been a minute since we last checked in on the wild, ever-unfolding FTX saga—the crypto scandal that just keeps on giving. 

You might recall the last bit of "newsworthy" chaos involving Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) (the guy who compared his FTX token to a pyramid scheme during an interview, we should’ve known right?) Last time we heard about him, he was apparently trading rice in prison. Yes, actual rice.

 

But let’s not dwell on that prison hustle, because we’ve got a new chapter: Caroline Ellison, SBF’s smokin hot ex-girlfriend and the CEO of Alameda Research, just got hit with a two-year prison sentence and an eye-watering $11 billion forfeiture.

If you're not familiar with Ellison, let’s bring you up to speed. She was the head honcho of Alameda Research, FTX’s partner-in-crime—literally. While SBF was off preaching the crypto gospel, Ellison was handling all the back-office “magic” over at Alameda. Magic, in this case, meant funneling billions of dollars of FTX customers' funds to cover Alameda’s reckless trades and ballooning debt. You know, totally normal business stuff.

So what did that little stunt cost her? Well, aside from her reputation, it’s about two years in the clink and a massive $11 billion price tag. This makes her one of the most financially punished individuals in recent history, thanks to Judge Lewis Kaplan, who clearly isn’t one for "get-out-of-jail-free cards." Sorry, Caroline, Monopoly rules don’t apply here.

Judge Kaplan, who has been overseeing the FTX courtroom circus, made it clear during her sentencing that while Ellison’s cooperation with prosecutors was stellar—and boy, did she sing like a canary in a coalmine (as the old folks would say)—this wasn’t a crime you just sweep under the rug. In fact, Kaplan straight-up called the FTX case “probably the greatest financial fraud in U.S. history.”

While prosecutors pushed for leniency, and Ellison’s defense tried to argue she’d "recovered her moral compass" (you know, that annoying voice in your head that tells you not to commit massive fraud), the judge wasn’t buying the no-prison deal. He did, however, grant her a much lighter sentence than the potential 110 years she could’ve been slapped with. Let’s just say cooperating with the Feds and helping throw your ex-boyfriend under the proverbial bus has its perks.

Ellison’s role as the star witness was crucial in nailing down SBF’s conviction, where he was sentenced to a cozy 25 years behind bars for his part in orchestrating this entire crypto house of cards. Fun fact: Ellison handed over seven fake spreadsheets to the prosecution that were basically the smoking gun, helping seal SBF’s fate. Talk about a breakup gift with lasting consequences.

And what about that $11 billion she’s supposed to fork over? Yeah, she probably won’t be dropping that in Bitcoin anytime soon. While the details are still being sorted out, it seems that her shares in AI startup Anthropic—now worth a solid chunk of change—will be part of the settlement package. Still, does the court really expect her to be able to pay back $11 billion? Let’s be real, the only way that’s gonna happen is if she starts another fraud.

Caroline Ellison will remain free until November 7th, when she’s expected to turn herself in to serve her time. As for SBF, he’s appealing his conviction because why not? But with Ellison's bombshell testimony and all the evidence stacked against him, let’s just say that appeal’s about as likely to succeed as FTX is to relaunch as a legit crypto exchange.

So, what have we learned here, kids? If your hedge fund and crypto exchange are playing fast and loose with billions of dollars, you might want to invest in something a little more stable. Like rice. Just ask SBF—he’s got some experience in that market now.

P.S. Last Thursday, we gave our premium members the heads-up on a stock that blew up 140.45% by market close. If you missed it, well, that's like showing up to the party after all the pizza's gone. But hey, redemption is just around the corner—we’ve got another massive opportunity dropping today at 12 PM ET. Click here to become a premium member, or sit this one out and let everyone else feast while you starve.

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